Thoughts

this is got to be one of my serious post so far.. trying my best not to screw my grammar up, i almost made my sister faint due to my "keng-ness" the other day.

studying in KBU has made me do a lot of thinking. at the beginning, unlike the others, i went there without any of my old school friends. i figured this would be a good time to start growing up and make new friends. no more sticking to anyone that i have to depend on. no more parents to look after you. i have to learn how to handle my own money. no more relying on mummy picking you up after class. i have to learn how to be patient, waiting in the rain for the bus or taxi to arrive if i want to go somewhere

communication is number one problem for me. i don't know mandarin, and i dare to say that almos everyone in my class speaks in mandarin which is a pain in the ass. it's not chinese school for god's sake. even some of the foreigners could speak better english than the locals, now that is embarassing! everyone speaking mandarin, left right centre. it's totally painful to listen. it's plain rude to speak a foreign language in front of another ethnic. even if i could speak the lingo fluently, i would speak english. after saying this, i know i'm gonna get bashed up when 2nd semester starts.

yeah, i made friends, some of them are pretty awesome. but somehow there is this empty feeling i feel everytime i see a bunch of them, talking and laughing in the cafeteria, having a ball. will i experience all that again? as convent or even hualian is small, everyone tends to know you. uni life is so huge that you're just another face in the crowd. having a few close friends is good enough. but how much is enough?

everyone i know knows their purpose or what their dreams are in life. they made it so easy to understand what they want! some chase their dreams right from the beginning, ever since they were young. some wants to follow their father's footsteps to become a successful doctor. while others.. well.. they're here to enjoy the ride of their life!

one of my friends, Adam, has a very high ambition to become a pilot and he went through many obstacles to catch his dream. he is currently waiting for the results so wish him all the best! Linet's chasing her dream to become a successful musician and she's good at the piano (although she doesn't admit it) Huiling's digging dead people's mouth in India while Jo's studying-ever-so-hard to get whatever she wants (even it means killing those who are in her way)

studying foundation in arts n design has got me wondered what i really want to do with my life in the future. can say 90% of my class are going to further their studies into interior design. only so few of us (4 out of 39 people to be exact) is heading towards graphic design. it's already so painful to leave my old friends, but to make new ones and then say good bye to them again? and will i ever secure a job that's got to do with design? or will i follow my 2 sisters whose jobs aren't related to their degree? it's a scary thought. this isn't some "traditional" jobs like doctors or accountants, where there isn't enough of them.

i really want to prove to them that i can do it. that i can solve my personal problems on my own. once people sees your weakness, you will fall. is that true? i don't know... sometimes, people assume that lil-miss-sunshine-meiyuin's got no problems and i'm always there to listen out to their problems, whether it's on food, life, boyfriend, or the cute guy that's staying on the upper level in the hostel. sometimes people don't take me seriously and when i seek for advice, they just brush my problems aside, saying that their problems are bigger than mine. ok, so i get it. your life is way screwer than mine. what is your point? can't i be heard out just this once?

and that is why.... i keep my problems to myself. and people wil ask why i bottled it all up and cry at the end of the day and would not tell anyone about what i'm going through. so that mean i've mixed with the wrong crowd? do my friends care for me? maybe yes, maybe no. but humans are not all that sparkly and perfect anyway. you cannot expect them to be how you want them to be. you may as well clone yourself if you find everyone sucks.

so what are my dreams? what purpose i have in life?

i don't know. but i'm in for the ride of my life to find out.